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Sleeping with angels

Please don't make the same mistake as us...


Published by: Dawn Murden and Michelle Rawlins
Published on: 2 August 2012

Sandwiched in our bed between me and my partner Daniel, 26, were our kids. Jordan, four, and Ellie, two, arguing over who'd get the next cuddle with our newest addition to the family, four-month-old Connor.
The pair of them had doted on him ever since he'd been born. ‘I'll teach you how to play football,' Jordan would tell him. Ellie was always holding his little hand.
‘It's getting late,' Daniel yawned. ‘Time for bed, you two!'
While Daniel tucked the others in their beds, I laid Connor in his cot in our bedroom.
‘Sleep tight,' I hushed, placing his cuddly toy white rabbit next to him. Ellie and Jordan had picked it out when he was born.
Before long, he was fast asleep. ‘We're blessed,' Daniel said, peering over my shoulder.
I nodded. Connor was such a happy baby. He hardly cried and, after a late feed, slept right through until morning.
‘Third time lucky,' I chuckled. Jordan had been a bad sleeper, and had spent most nights in our bed. Ellie had been just as bad.
Mind you, my midwife had frowned when I'd mentioned it to her. ‘It can be dangerous,' she'd warned. ‘Plus, babies need to get used to sleeping on their own.'
Thankfully, Connor was a good sleeper, so I was happy to let him snooze in his cot. Next day, I took him for his routine MMR jab. His little legs swelled so, back home, I gave him a bath to soothe them.
But as the night wore on, Connor was still crying. Me and Daniel took turns rocking him. But every time he fell asleep, I'd place him in his cot... then he'd scream until I picked him back up.
‘I can hardly keep my eyes open,' I said, crawling on to the bed, laying Connor next to me. Daniel sat beside him. After a few minutes, our son's crying stopped. ‘He's asleep,' I mouthed. I didn't have the heart to wake him by moving him to his cot.
‘Just this once,' Daniel smiled. Being close to us was clearly a comfort, as he slept through until morning.
We'd made a rod for our own backs, though - for the next three nights, he'd only sleep in our bed.
A week later, he started teething. Miraculously, he went to sleep in his cot, but at midnight he woke for his feed.
‘I'll go,' Daniel offered.
I heard Connor suckle at the bottle, but he wouldn't go back to sleep. Minutes later, I felt them both beside me and we soon all drifted off to sleep.
Next thing I knew, Jordan was beside our bed, rubbing his eyes. ‘Can I have some Coco Pops?' he yawned. Daniel stretched to get out of bed...
‘What's wrong with Connor?' he panicked suddenly.
What? Connor was silent and still, his face ghostly white. ‘Connor?' I said gently, putting my hand on his shoulder. His skin was cold, his body stiff.
‘Ambulance!' I screamed, jumping out of bed. ‘Jordan, go to your room.' He couldn't see this.
‘My baby, he's not breathing,' I cried when an operator answered.
‘You have to do chest compressions,' she told me. I repeated her instructions to Daniel. He pushed on our boy's tiny chest three times, then breathed into his mouth. ‘It's not working,' he wept.
Finally, the ambulance arrived. ‘I'll meet you there,' Daniel sobbed. He had to drop Ellie and Jordan at my parents.
‘Please don't let my baby die,' I begged the paramedics.
When we arrived at Rotherham Hospital, he was whisked away and I waited in a private room. Soon, Daniel arrived. ‘I shouldn't have put him in our bed,' he wept. ‘It's not your fault,' I cried, holding him tight.
A few minutes later, a doctor came to see us. ‘I'm sorry,' she said gently. ‘Connor didn't make it.' Her words felt like daggers through my heart. I broke down in Daniel's arms.
Together, we staggered to our baby's side. He was wearing his white babygro, and his eyes were closed. ‘He looks just like he's sleeping,' I wept. Only this time he'd never wake up.
For the next few hours, we sat holding his hand. ‘We're so sorry,' I sobbed.
We'd have to wait for the post mortem to find out why he'd died, but we couldn't help but blame ourselves. ‘Why didn't I listen to the warnings?' I cried. ‘It was me who put him to bed,' Daniel said tearfully.
But blame wasn't going to help anyone. All we could do now was grieve together, and remember our beautiful boy, and the joy he'd brought us for just a few months.
The next day, my mum Sandra, 55, brought Jordan and Ellie home. ‘Where's Connor?' Jordan asked, peering in his playpen.
We sat them both down. ‘He's with the angels now,' I said. Their eyes filled with tears. This had broken our family forever.
Even worse, there was then a knock on the door. ‘We need to ask some questions,' a police officer said. Where was he sleeping? How had he been laid on the bed? I felt like a criminal, even though I knew they were just doing their job.
Still, it was a relief when, a month later, they confirmed they weren't treating his death as suspicious, and Connor's body was released for his funeral.
His tiny white coffin was filled with photos and his precious white rabbit.
At the inquest, we heard our boy had died of sudden infant death syndrome. But the coroner said that sleeping in our bed may have made it difficult for him to get oxygen into his lungs. If we'd kept him in his cot, he might still be here today.
The guilt kills me. Connor's ashes now sit in a special urn next to a photo of him in the lounge. ‘Look at that bright star,' Jordan said one night. ‘That's Connor looking over us.' He was right. He may have only been here for five months, but he'll be in our hearts forever.
We just beg other parents - don't let your baby sleep with you. If Connor's story saves just one child, at least his death won't be in vain.
Kelly Beech, 21, Rotherham