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The parent trap

But my baby came at such a cost...


Published by: Laura Hinton and Phillipa Cherryson
Published on: 12 July 2012

Day in, day out, it was all I thought about, all I craved. I had countless pregnancy books, the vitamins and supplements, the health foods... My life revolved around having a child and starting a family with my partner Mark, 32. I wouldn't feel whole until I was a mum.
I just hoped my kids would be as close to me as I was to my own mum Cath, 52. She'd even introduced me and Mark two years before. They'd worked together, and she'd thought he'd be perfect for me. After much persuasion, I'd gone for a drink.
She'd hit the nail right on the head, too! I'd never met anyone like him. We'd just clicked.
Knowing we were made for each other, we'd soon started trying for a baby. And for the past two years our lives had revolved around this - a constant schedule of doctor's appointments and scans.
So now, as I felt a familiar sharp cramping deep in my womb, I tried to ignore it.
Please, no, not again. Another stab. I doubled over in pain.
‘Mark, come quick!' I shouted down the stairs. He was there in an instant. ‘It's happening again,' I sobbed. ‘I'm losing another baby.' Crumpling into his arms, I felt so helpless.
I'd booked an appointment with a fertility specialist for
a few months' time, but it couldn't come quick enough.
‘It'll be fine,' Mark soothed. ‘It'll happen soon.' But nothing he said would make it any better. I felt like the whole world had come crashing down around me again.
Only two weeks before, I'd been so excited to see that little blue line on the pregnancy test. I'd wanted to jump
for joy! I hadn't been able to help getting carried away.
I should have known better, I thought sadly now. After all, I'd suffered the pain of a lot of miscarriages. I'd get up to 10 or 11 weeks each time, but then lose the baby. It was like we were on an emotional rollercoaster. Excited one minute, devastated the next.
But now, after losing another baby, I realised everything had just got too much. I was so desperate for a child that I'd been doing up to 10 pregnancy tests a day. It was all I ever thought about.
‘Let's just stop worrying about it for a while,' Mark suggested, as if reading my thoughts. ‘We're still young.' Gulping, I nodded.
He was right. This was supposed to be about love, not just making babies. I'd lost sense of us in the blur of all that. ‘I'm sorry,'
I sighed. ‘We should concentrate on the wedding. In fact, I'll change the appointment with the specialist until after our big day.'
The more I thought about it, the more I realised I'd been treating Mark like some kind of
baby-making machine.
We, as a couple, were more important than that.
So as I gazed into his eyes on our wedding day a few months later, I felt so emotional. It was perfect. We honeymooned in Scarborough, chilling out at the beach all day, then sharing romantic nights in at the B&B.
But a week later, it was back to reality, back to trying for a baby. When I mentioned it to Mark, though... ‘Not yet,' he mumbled.
I felt frustrated. He still wanted this, didn't he?! I had to find out - maybe he'd said something to his pals. So next time he went out, I had a quick snoop through his phone. He'd deleted all his texts. Without really thinking, I created a new file where all his sent messages would be saved.
Then a week later, something happened. Something that
made me forget about stupid texts. I was pregnant!
I looked at the positive test, stunned. We hadn't even been trying! This had to be a sign.
I had a really good feeling...
it was like I already knew I was becoming a mum.
I could feel my body making changes, adjusting to the new role.
We were at Mark's parents' house, so I decided to wait until later to tell him. The one person I did need to tell was Mum. With no signal on my phone, I went and grabbed Mark's instead and ran outside for a quick chat.
‘I think this could be it,' I whispered excitedly.
‘Congratulations, love,' Mum replied. ‘I've got my fingers crossed.' Hanging up, I remembered the file I'd stored on his phone. Blimey, my hormones had obviously been playing up before - I'd been so paranoid!
Still, what the heck, there'd be no harm in taking a look. Curiosity getting the better of me, I had a peek.
I almost dropped the phone.
I can't control the way I feel about you, he'd written. Can we get together tomorrow?
My stomach knotted. The texts were to a girl at work. Gulping,
I realised from reading them
that it had been going on for months before our wedding!
This should have been the happiest day of my life. Instead, I'd just found out that my husband had been getting it on with someone at work.
My head was spinning. Had it been my fault somehow? Had I pushed him away with all this talk of babies?
No, that was no excuse. He should have talked to me if he was unhappy, not found comfort in someone else's arms.
Storming back into the house, I went up to Mark and kicked him - right where it hurts!
‘You disgusting cheat!' I raged, as he doubled over in pain. ‘I haven't done anything,' he groaned. ‘Honestly.'
‘Oh, you should know I'm pregnant again, too,' I yelled.
Suddenly, I realised everyone was looking. Uh-oh. I'd been so furious, I'd forgotten his parents were still standing there. Mortified and angry, I ran home, packed my bags and left.
The next day, it was my mum I turned to. She'd always been my rock. But I was in for a shock.
‘You have to give this another chance,' she insisted. ‘Everyone makes mistakes.'
I stared at her open-mouthed. She was sticking up for him, and not her own daughter.
‘But this is different,'
I sobbed. ‘He betrayed me.' Mum was insistent, though. ‘Think of the baby,' she urged. ‘You have to make this work.'
How could we be a family now? Mark had destroyed all that trust... or had he? I still wasn't sure what had happened. So, four days on, I rang the woman I'd accused Mark of cheating on me with.
‘We've been sleeping together for months,' she confirmed.
They'd been having sex in the toilets at work - where Mum still worked! It was so seedy. In fact, the first time had been just after our engagement party,
a few months before the wedding.
Instinctively, I placed my hand on my tummy. I despised Mark right now. But... if we were having this baby together, I had to listen. So I agreed to see him.
‘It meant nothing,' he wept. ‘Please forgive me.'
I shook my head. But Mum's words rang in my ears... ‘You have to work at marriage. Think of the baby.'
She was right. She was a mum herself, so she knew best. And things had once been so good between us - Mark had been the perfect partner. I forced myself to remember the day he'd proposed.
Wow, that had been wonderful. I'd been in bed one day when he'd come up with an ice bucket, champagne and a rose.
‘What's the occasion?' I'd chuckled, before spotting the diamond ring tied to the rose.
Then the day after we'd got back from our honeymoon, he'd carved I love you into the front lawn. I had to try at least.
I gave Mark a call. ‘All right, I'll move back,' I said.
Over the next few months, he tried so hard. I got terrible morning sickness, but he was always there, holding back my hair and fetching me water.
Swept up in the excitement of having this baby at last, I put my worries to one side. We were about to become a family. Everything would be better then - I'd finally get what I'd wanted for so long. Then...
‘Ring the hospital,' I told Mark, happiness rushing through me. ‘It's happening!'
Later, I held my newborn son for hours. I almost didn't want to let him go. ‘I can't believe he's actually real,' I grinned. ‘Let's call him Noah.'
Although he was a good baby, I developed postnatal depression. After wanting a child for so
long, reality was much tougher - I couldn't breastfeed.
‘It's meant to be natural,' Mark frowned. Thanks for the support!
To the outside world, we were a happily married couple, and we had the baby we'd craved. But in my heart, I knew it was a lie. I couldn't help but keep checking his phone. No matter how many times he said he wouldn't cheat on me again, I didn't trust him. He'd shattered that trust when he'd gone with another woman, when he'd lied time and again to my face as he carried on his fling.
Reminding myself of Mum's advice, I kept on trying to make us into the family I'd always longed for. But months passed and it made no difference. Noah started toddling, and I still didn't feel like Mark and I were a unit. All we ever did was argue.
I started confiding in a pal. Lee, 38, was a friend of a friend and had recently gone through the trauma of a marriage break up. ‘It's hard,' he admitted. ‘But you have to be happy.'
He was right. I wasn't happy any more. I'd got everything I'd always wished for - a handsome hubby and a beautiful baby. But it wasn't real.
Plucking up the courage, I left Mark. Mum came round to the two-bedroom flat Noah and I had moved into.
She wrinkled her nose. ‘You're bringing him up in squalor,' she said.
‘It's just smaller than what we've been used to,' I sighed, barely believing what I was hearing.
I needed her support now, but Mum, along with the rest of my family, thought Mark deserved another chance.
‘This'll be the biggest mistake of your life,' she said before leaving. I couldn't believe it. I held Noah close, and he quietly gurgled in my arms. I would never tell my child to stay in an unhappy marriage - no way.
Although I didn't have
Mum's blessing, I did have Lee. By then we'd realised our feelings for each another and become a couple.
Before I knew it, three months had passed. I felt like a different person - so light, so free. I was sad that my family didn't agree, but finally I was doing what was right for me and my son.
Then one day, Mum turned up on my doorstep. ‘I'm sorry,' she sobbed. ‘I was wrong. I wanted you to be happy, and now I can see you are. At last.'
‘I am, Mum,' I nodded, smiling. ‘I really am.'
Best of all, I'd realised Mark and I didn't have to be together as a unit to be a family, and to be good parents. Noah's now four, and sees Mark, 36, every other weekend.
Maybe one day Lee and I will have children. Leaving my unhappy marriage really was the best thing I could have done. It was only when I became a mum that I realised who and what was important in my life.

Mark, 36, says: ‘I should never have cheated on Rachel. I still regret it now. I wanted our marriage to work, but she didn't.'

Mum Cath, 52, says: ‘I put pressure on her to stay, and really took Mark's side when she left him. I feel guilty now because she's so much happier. I should have left well alone.'


Rachel Webster, 29, Rotherham, South Yorkshire